Sometimes, out of the blue, it hits me. I was sexually assaulted and raped at a tender age, 13. That boy didn’t just rape my body, he ravaged my mind. He filled it to the brim with hate, self-loathing, and insecurities. Late night phone calls with one sided conversations. His words seeping into the delicate folds of my still growing mind, spewing hate. I was told I was worthless, no one would ever love me; I was damaged goods. Right after hurtful words like those were said to me I’d hear, “But always remember that I love you. No one else in this world could ever love you, but I do.” Love? Love doesn’t knock you to the ground, knocked unconscious, to wake finding him yelling at you because he doesn’t want to have to get help. Love doesn’t threaten suicide in front of you, with a butcher’s knife at his throat, tiny specks of blood starting to form. Love doesn’t take your house key and throw it out of your reach so you can’t return home. Love doesn’t chase you around your house trying to punch you while you’re grappling after the phone, trying with all your might, to make one single phone call to your best friend. Hoping, hoping, hoping he doesn’t catch you. That is not love. Oh, but he’s so popular! He seems so sweet! All the girls want to be with him. Yes, those kinds of boys are cool and collected on the outside but once they’re alone with you the unthinkable emerges. How do I know this so well? Well, 8 years after this I married someone just like that boy. In between the time of the first and last abuser I struggled. Struggled with who I was, who loved me, who didn’t, where I was going, where I wanted to go.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A sentence in a book has never hit so close to home and that's only on the 3rd page of the first chapter! I can't even fathom how many times in my life, especially as a mother, that I've become unglued. I had multiple moments today when our 10 year old was acting more like the 3 old. I don't want to be an unglued mother which is why I joined the online bible study for Lysa's new book. I'm 2 chapters in and I've highlighted what seems like every other sentence. The pages of my copy are filled with highlighter yellow. I've made notes in my notebook, cried like a baby, and looked up bible versus. Knowing that I'm not alone in the way I have behaved and felt is freeing. The stories Lysa uses are stories I could have written! My heart feels a little lighter knowing I'm not alone, knowing that I'll be working on imperfect progress, and knowing I'll get to the point where I won't be an unglued mom."I know what it's like to praise God one minute and in the next minute yell and scream at my child." - Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Today is what homeschooling is all about! I got up early, ran to the grocery store, everyone was still sleeping when I got back so I spent a few minutes enjoying the quiet house. Little Love was the first one up soon followed by Big Mak and then finally Mess about 20 minutes later. W had a show last night and was able to sleep in just a little bit but I'm glad the girls were up early enough to see him since they didn't see him yesterday. It was just a quick kiss good morning before he headed out the door for another long, hot day at work. While the girls ate their cereal we had a science lesson brought to you by Bill Nye the Science Guy. Mess and Big Mak think he's hysterical! Yes, science was taught today using a DVD from the library. Hey, whatever captures their attention, right? In fact, the big girls have enjoyed his DVD and have learned things that we've implemented at home. The series their watching is about ways you can be greener within your home, like using less electricity (unplug the tv's at night), how to use leftover food in the kitchen (we save W's coffee grounds and put them in the soil of my plants and outside and plan to start a composting bin in the backyard) and we, myself included, have learned about many chemicals found in every day things that make a large and negative impact on the environment. Big Mak especially thought that the coffee grind idea was great since she's the one who helped distribute the coffee grounds to the plants. The large ferns we have loved them and have several new growths coming up already! After that 30 minute show we quickly did our chores and decided on going for a walk. That walk ended up lasting nearly an hour with some playtime at a park in the middle of it and Little Love gathering rocks and acorns to bring home. Big Mak wanted to do some fraction worksheets while Mess downstairs doing her own thing.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
As of late Mess has started thinking of her birthday party. She has been giving me ideas and asking questions here and there about what would be okay and not okay. She worries about how much money things cost, and how many friends she can invite. I love seeing the ideas she has and all the questions she asks when deciding if it'll be a good plan. She has been having such fun with the ideas that I think I'm going to turn all of this party planning into a math lesson. What I'm going to do is give her a budget to work within, say $150. From there I'm going to let her do her own researching into planning her party. She has a pinterest account and has been finding ideas there. I'll have her make lists of what she wants and/or thinks she wants and then let her search out the costs of everything. Mess does have a pretty good understanding of money so this should be a beneficial and fun math learning lesson for her.