twenty three.

So, it's been a few months since I updated. Yeah, I'm an awesome blogger. I'll start with the Whole 30. I didn't finish the full 30 days. I made it to day 20 and couldn't continue. I couldn't continue because I was having the worst morning sickness I could have ever imagined. I could barely eat or drink anything much less even think about eating a piece of meat or a vegetable.

As most of you know we are expecting Baby #4.

twenty two.

The weekends get so busy for us and it's hard for me to find the time to update the blog. I am currently on day 11 of the Whole30 and doing awesome, if I do say so myself.  The last day I updated was on Friday, which would have been what I had eaten on the previous day, Thursday. It's now been a week!! We've eaten a lot of yummy food and also a lot of the same foods. I have found what I like to eat in the morning and kind of eat it every day or most days. For breakfast I eat a lot of scrambled eggs with mixed organic baby kale's and baby spinach. I usually have a little fruit with it or other vegetables and occasionally a monkey salad. 
I have also discovered that I really like sweet potatoes pan sauteed in coconut oil.

twenty one.

I am truly one of the luckiest women in the world. Last night, after dinner, W went to the grocery store for us. We still had food but nothing really for breakfast the next day. He's been trying to follow the Whole30 with me and even went so far to go upstairs and look up paleo information. He didn't know all the rules of the Whole30 but even still he only brought home 3 things I can't eat! He is such a magnificent husband. He does little things like that for me all the time. It makes every day special instead of him waiting around for an anniversary or holiday. I am a blessed woman.

The three things he bought that I cannot eat during the Whole30 are bacon, corn and honey.

seventeen.

I, The Mrs, have started healing my body with the Whole30. I've read the book It Starts With Food and was fascinated by all the "science-y" (as they call it) information it held. Doing a Whole30 is not about weight loss. It's not another diet trend... It IS about healing your body from the inside out. If you're interested in more information, please, pick up or order a copy of the book. They even have a discounted Kindle version, it's the one I read, which also makes it easy to bookmark and highlight sections.  The basics are this: 

sixteen.

I felt sad the other night while trying to fall asleep. I don't understand why I felt sad but I told God anyway. He comforted me with love and quiet humm's until I drifted off to sleep.   We have an easy life, loving marriage and a relationship with our Father and yet I still felt sad. He didn't get annoyed or angry, he wasn't condescending .. He just held me and loved me. Just what I needed.  Father, I thank you that I can be real with You, that I never need to hide my feelings and thoughts from You. I can pour my heart out to You with complete honesty and without fear. You love me and accept me when I need answers, when I'm frustrated, or when I just want to tell You the love I have for You. You understand my humanness, my limitations, my hurts. You are forever standing there with Your arms wide open, embracing me, guiding me, loving me. Thank you Father. In Jesus' name. Amen.

fifteen.

I sat this morning talking to my Heavenly Father telling him how I felt, but what I really needed to do was think about how others felt. After a day like yesterday how are our daughters going to wake up feeling? I may sit and think, "Ugh, I still feel grumpy and upset by their behavior yesterday," but why do I still feel that way? Is it that I wake expecting the girls to misbehave again? I think deep down I do. I wake up, although not often, thinking about all the "wrong" the kids are going to do today. What a miserable way to begin a new day! And really, it's not even that they're doing anything wrong, it's behavior, lashing out, frustration, annoyance. I yearn for them to wake up with bright expectations and a renewed sense of self, so why don't I do the same? I will. 

thirteen.

My husband has a great way of putting things into perspective for me. I might moan and groan about a certain thing but he always has a way for me to see things more clearly. He helps me see through my emotions, and sometimes, even my tears and fears. Things cannot always go the way I want or even hope. There are times where I can't see how fortunate I've been and he'll open my eyes. W is incredibly intuitive with me. He almost knows me better than I know myself. He is my better half. He knows how to make me feel strong when I'm feeling weak. He knows how to calm me down when I'm riled up. He is my everything and I'm blessed woman to know I'm also his. 

twelve.

It has been a whirlwind of a month! We had Mess's birthday party, our 5 year wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving followed by a weekend of holiday activities.

In mid-November Mess turned 11 years old. The day before her birthday she decided now that she was going to be 11 she was “too old” to share a room with her sisters. So, before her friends came over for her party we moved her across the hall from her sisters into her own room, again. She seems to be happy there...although she will admit, occasionally, to miss sleeping in a room with her sisters. For the 3 of them it seems to be a comfort thing. In fact, today, they all three were begging for me to let them all share a room with W and I. I about laughed my butt off followed with a big “NO WAY!” Sweet thought and I'm glad they love us that much, however, they're crazy if they think that'll ever happen.

Mess's new room

Mess wanted to camp out in the backyard with her friends for her birthday.

eleven.

Zumba! Zumba! Zumba! 

Could you be my new best friend?! I’ve been so scared to try you and now that I have I don’t think I’ll ever go back to a bland workout again!

There’s been an advertisement in our neighborhood newsletter for a few months now stating there’s a FREE zumba class in the mornings at our community gym. I’ve been nervous about trying it out, I’m not much of a dancer, but I loved it. At first I was the only person in there except the instructor, however, midway through 2 other women showed up. The instructor said that Monday’s are usually low in members because people are getting back into the groove of the week. For me starting my week with a fun workout will help me keep going. I had doubts about myself and my coordination, or lack thereof, but I did fine and laughed at myself on the parts I didn’t quite get. Now that I know I like it and will do just fine I’m going to keep attending. There are 3 classes a week and they’re all FREE! At that price how can I not keep attending?

ten.

"You're my favorite (insert daughters name) in the whole wide world!"

 This is something I have said to our daughters since I can remember. I love seeing their blue eyes light up like stars in the night sky. I can’t tell them they’re my favorite daughter since there are three of them, but that doesn't seem to matter to the girls. They love that they’re my most favorite Little Love, Mess, and Big Mak in this big, giant world. They then proceed to tell me that I’m their most favorite mommy in the world (only sometimes do I remind them I’m their only mommy). It brings my heart such joy when I hear them mutter such a sweet, sleepy sentence….

 I’m not a perfect mom, I’m far from it. In all honesty I struggle with my words.

eight.

I've started writing this blog entry about five different times each time starting out with a different subject. I want to write what’s on my mind but can't find the words. (I probably could if there weren't three loud elephants upstairs screaming at each other and pulling each others hair.) My heart is bursting with words that I don't know how to get out. Life is not perfect; yet I’m content. We have money in the bank; even if it’s only dollars. God has been speaking to me lately. I do wonder if that’s something anyone ever gets use to? There are signs pointing in the direction He wants to lead our family. They are small signs that others would think crazy but to me they are signs nonetheless. When I think of things He’s calling us to do I'm almost certain HE might be crazy. ;) Although when I needed some reassurance a verse came to me, and I don't mean that I thought about this verse, I mean it was sent to me, literally, from an iPhone app. See what I mean? Crazy.

seven.

I've been feeling completely overwhelmed lately; overwhelmed with being a parent, a homeschooler, a facilitator, etc. I know many bible verses'  that tell us to give our burdens/worries to the Lord and he'll take care of us (Psalm 55:22) but why is that so hard?

six.

Sometimes, out of the blue, it hits me. I was sexually assaulted and raped at a tender age, 13. That boy didn’t just rape my body, he ravaged my mind. He filled it to the brim with hate, self-loathing, and insecurities. Late night phone calls with one sided conversations. His words seeping into the delicate folds of my still growing mind, spewing hate. I was told I was worthless, no one would ever love me; I was damaged goods. Right after hurtful words like those were said to me I’d hear, “But always remember that I love you. No one else in this world could ever love you, but I do.” Love? Love doesn’t knock you to the ground, knocked unconscious, to wake finding him yelling at you because he doesn’t want to have to get help. Love doesn’t threaten suicide in front of you, with a butcher’s knife at his throat, tiny specks of blood starting to form. Love doesn’t take your house key and throw it out of your reach so you can’t return home. Love doesn’t chase you around your house trying to punch you while you’re grappling after the phone, trying with all your might, to make one single phone call to your best friend. Hoping, hoping, hoping he doesn’t catch you. That is not love. Oh, but he’s so popular! He seems so sweet! All the girls want to be with him. Yes, those kinds of boys are cool and collected on the outside but once they’re alone with you the unthinkable emerges. How do I know this so well? Well, 8 years after this I married someone just like that boy. In between the time of the first and last abuser I struggled. Struggled with who I was, who loved me, who didn’t, where I was going, where I wanted to go.